Could only be the one and only Blessed Petie, corrr!!!

Peter Owen Jones(Rev)

How could we possibly put anyone above Petie, our intrepid faithful traveller!! The thinking wummans totty, he who enjoys a wee de-vest at the slightest prompting and who lets be honest ain’t a stranger to the odd libation and occasional ‘other’ substance.

Stephen Fry….okay okay, maybe a bit out of my league i more ways than one….but if he would…ahh, the dreams!! There is nothing more attractive to a thinking middle aged wumman than a bit of intellect…

Whose next?

Well, lets go for one that is blatantly judged on looks alone..

Monty Hall

I know, not a very good pic, but you should have seen the folks that came up when I put his name into search…trust me, be grateful I came up with this!!!

Here’s another…floppy haired filum star..tres bon

Hugh Grant

Sorry I don’t have an excuse for this one…..I just loved Four Weddings and a Funeral


Another wee addition….this guy is a magician, whit he can dae wi a muzical instrument is….well…magic. And to be honest, is also strangly attractive…in a slightly hippy fashion.

Bill Bailey

I have this strange fantasy of sharing a tent with him at Glastonbury….hmm, maybe the effects of the morphine lasts longer than I thought.

Auchenshuggle Terminus, with ma new car parked to the right ootside the washoose




by grannye in May 3rd, 2009   


Well, sorry its been so long since I posted. No excuse, just procastonation, maybe. So, the employment situation hasn’t improved..I’m still the only sickie in the village looking for work, course I’ve decided to do this just as the country hits recession and jobs are thin on the ground. I am not however depondent..and certainly not taking it personally. Instead I busy myself with all sorts of entertainments. Amongst this included a random stop by the polis in the car a few weeks ago, when I discovered I hadn’t changed the details on my driving license, they were very nice about it. So, this involved me having to formally change my name, by means of Statutory Declaration. So, off I went to Martha Street, Registry office in the city centre. A very nice young man filled out the form for me…quite a simple operation, and then over to Glasgow City Chambers to sign said form in front of a Justice of the Peace. What a fabulous building

So, that’s me official, I joked with the JP that I felt the need for someone to break champagne over my head, alas not even Irn Bru was available, thus a hand shake had to do.

Later in the week I attended the first Laughter workshop the organisation I am a board member of ran. It was a complete success, some letting themselves go more than others admitedly, but everyone agreed it had been quite a work out for faces, abdomens and spirits.
I strongly advise you have a look at the video on stv’s fivethirty show too, unfortunately I cant get a link up here.I’m hoping to be able to get this turned into a regular thing in the East of the city too. As an aside, while I was there, had a chat with the girl running the workshop who has encouraged me to look into local drama groups, with a view to developing my talents in that area  So, a career on the stage may beckon, you never know, and as I was told your never too old to try. Anyway, that’s about it so far, hope your all enjoying the fabulous weather, it being May it sleeted here today..gorra love the weather.


Read this and weep…with laughter

by grannye in March 26th, 2009   


You simply have to read this, its the most spectacularly hilarious eBay advert ever, scroll down the page and laugh your socks off..I did!!  http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=280324899952#description

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Les Said,

March 26th, 2009 @4:03 am  

Well I don’t normally feel like laughing after getting in from work but that’s the best laugh I’ve ever had at four o’clock in the morning. Brilliant!

thelandlady Said,

March 26th, 2009 @8:04 am  

Also split my sides, We used to have a rather natty Cortina which was a completely different shade of yellow down one side.. ah, happy days. hope he actually gets it sold!

Flying Cat 2 Said,

March 26th, 2009 @10:39 am  

But it will leave such a very big hole in his life if it does sell. How can he ever achieve such fame again? (Unless he’s a used car dealer…).

Soaplady Said,

March 26th, 2009 @11:53 am  

well I suppose if you have the amusing writing skill it really pays to exercise it on the eBay listing, cos it will increase your exposure …!

I laughed like a sun-dozed hyena … especially at the vision of an asthmatic camel carrying a bin-bag full of spanners …!!

smiffy Said,

March 26th, 2009 @10:45 pm  

ha! love it!

mjc Said,

March 27th, 2009 @12:18 pm  

Hope Fletcher from Stronsay has a peek at the link: he has been looking for a car which can get a MOT pass so he can take it (and wife) for a spin on Orkney mainland. Fletcher has barely recovered from having missed SD’s garage sale because his present jalopy lacks a MOT pass (but maybe it should all be in “past” tense, Fletcher?). My general rule of thumb for evaluating the goodness of a car is a good kick in the right rear tire. If the car does not start after such a jolt, it is too far gone.

Flying Cat 2 Said,

March 31st, 2009 @9:44 am  

Wow! Grannye you’ve gone all summery and spaced oot!


by grannye in March 31st, 2009   


Well, whit an interesting day the Grannie and Nannie had the day…headed West, specifically tae Whiteinch. the purpose of this mission, to rid ma wee mammy oh some inheritance. Lets just say a number of years ago my mother was swindled oota a considerable inheritance..the final insult being the handing over of this dear auld aunties engagement ring(circa1920-30). A coupla wee pointers here, wee auntie wisnae much for jewelry…it wis the depression..HE left her fir a Dundee clippi after 5 years…..and my maw never saw any ring. Secondly..said ring just didn’t ‘look’ right, and, the main point here, it contained an OPAL!!! Yip, the stone cursed by native Australians. Suffice tae say..my maw is convinced we as a family have been cursed, I’ll refer you back to a heart attack aged 43..apparently it wisnae ma genes, it wis the ring.

Anyhoo..off we went tae the auction room..met with Anita oh bargain hunts lala, who takes a long look at said treasure..then she shows me this book..full oh nice we emblems and pictures and the like. Then she points me to the appropriate line and moves her finger slowly along the page to the date..whit..1992…the low life snake had only passed ma poor mammy aff wi a piece of catalogue junk younger than her youngest grand wean. Now, you would expect despondency at this time…not the Effin family, oh naw, oh how we chortled!! Poor maw had been desperate tae get rid oh this trinket on account oh the curse, but felt reluctant to do so in loyalty to auntie…and it turned oot it wisnae even her ring. Suffice tae say..should you be wandering in the woods oh TollX park anytime soon and come across a wee trinket wi an opal and a couple oh rubies…just walk on by!!!

More good news..have received news via pigeon post that Auchenshuggle steamie may be reopening in the near future…and I didn’t even need tae run naked doon Sauchiehall st!

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Flying Cat 2 Said,

March 31st, 2009 @8:56 pm  

Oh what a pity grannye…

taddoe Said,

March 31st, 2009 @9:10 pm  

sorry to hear that grannye—-maybe i should get rid of my opal ring i bought in queenstown in case it brings me bad luck(please note “”i bought” had another ring that was given but has now been returned,and like the dumb twit i am never thought about selling it. ah well,they say you live and learn

thelandlady Said,

March 31st, 2009 @9:34 pm  

Oh the cheeeeky shite!!!No luck grannye…

Flying Cat 2 Said,

March 31st, 2009 @11:30 pm  

…in these purrlous times it would really have brightened up a dreich day on Sauchiehall Street…

grannye Said,

March 31st, 2009 @11:44 pm  

Never fear folks, it is rumoured that my dear auntie will have already been haunting her…so, if you hear of a wummin in Dundee befalling a freak knitting accident…well, youll know who it was And as for brightening up a dreich day FC, well apart from the fact that me and mother havent laughed so much in ages I for one am glad we no longer have horse drawn carraiges….I fear me doing cartwheels down Sauchihall st would surley have scared the horses

Plaid Said,

April 1st, 2009 @3:44 am  

Doing cartwheels only scares the horses if the cartwheeler is wearing bloomers, circa 1900’s. Something to do with them being similar to weather balloons I think.

mjc Said,

April 1st, 2009 @12:24 pm  

The problem with having any jewelry is that it can be stolen from you. You are better off without. When my parents were burglarized in Bruxelles not so long ago, and her jewelry stolen, the members of the family reassured her that all was for the best and that she can now enjoy our affection, without any afterthought concerning the genuiness of these feelings. We laughed, she laughed (though at times her laughter was mingled with tears), proof galore that jewelry as such is pretty useless, and that it would be better to invest in a good meal.


by grannye in April 6th, 2009   


Ive just booked my holidays, so me and some of the rest of the clan will be returning to our spritual home for a one week only offer come June. I’m hoping that Ill use this as an excuse to get on with writing me book, maybe even get some pictures for the front cover suggestions while I’m there. Oh should have mentioned…its Kintyre I’m off to. It will be the pixie polis’s first holiday..and the dug. The outlaw will be looking to search out his hero’s haunts…alas I hear the croft, probably quite rightly, is surrounded by a ring of steel. But we will at least be able to take him to where some of the videos in the 70’s were made. Just wonderin if I should pack the lofty peak for the journey…oh and has anyone got a knitting pattern for a swim suit I could borrow. Mother of course will also be there, we are filling in her passport application at the moment…she will be travelling by air….its the only way to go you know!!!

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taddoe Said,

April 7th, 2009 @1:59 am  


Plaid Said,

April 7th, 2009 @3:29 am  

A knitted swimming suit
They are just too revealing once saturated with ocean spray … drooping to disclose parts that are best kept out of public eye, unless of course age related fatigue has not yet reared its head
Looking forward to a sneak preview of your book … because you must publish on IB at least part of one chapter!

x333xxx Said,

April 7th, 2009 @6:47 am  

Grannie, the thought of seeing your virginal white limbs all akimbo in Kintyre (of all places) has me all aquiver this morning. Do the folk of Campbeltown appreciate what is about to beset them?

As for a knitwear pattern, have a chat with my friend Erica Laurell. I think you might find something you like in her 2007 collection: http://www.ericalaurell.se/prev_collections/prev_ss07_001.php

(I’m not convinced that the red-and-white all-in-one is you though. It certainly isn’t me!

x333xxx Said,

April 7th, 2009 @7:14 am  

PS: I meant to add I like the new-look blog design. Are you going to change to your own picture or stick with the template?

royfellowesoz Said,

April 7th, 2009 @8:32 am  

Oh Grannie.
Just the thought of the shrinking cosy. Tws has been more times around the block than I have, he may be able to explain.

Flying Cat 2 Said,

April 7th, 2009 @10:28 am  

Remember the knitted simmits grannye, you know how fickle the f***ing weather can be Oot West.
Landlady will knit you a cozzy at the drop of a pair of size 12s. I recommend adding a fully reinforced cotton gusset in case of wee accidents…
You’re surely not going to be doing your own baking on holiday???
And don’t forget to make a pilgrimage to the beach at Saddell and march the family up and down the sands gie’in Mull of Kintyre laldy!

thelandlady Said,

April 7th, 2009 @10:45 am  

Aye Fc is right, personally I think a pattern for a hot water bottle cover is more likely to be useful than a swimmie- although I think FX would look adorable in the stripy one. The halter neck is so in this year…

grannye Said,

April 7th, 2009 @12:31 pm  

To those who showed an intrest in the book, aww, yous is so kind!! I’d write a wee sypopsis here if someone could tell me what that magic copyright phrase is!! Its no where near finished, (I’ve been writing it since the beginning of this century..and yes I am the queen of procastonation) but I would hate someone to wander into oor wee e’village and nick the idea off the windae ledge so to speak.

Any hoo, tae business…Plaid, I promise, I’d never waste a xarton oh Ocean Spray by tipping it over my new cozzie, youd never get that kind of stain oot anyway. As for travelling sooth, (the subject of another book on the back burner so to speak), Kintyre isnt that far sooth fae Auchenshuggle, as the crow flies its sorta ower the hill and left a bit…oh, you mean my own physicality…well thats the advantage oh B/C surgery…I’ll die aged 125 wi the boobs oh a 16 yr old…although I’m beginnin tae wonder if Mac the Knife spoke with forked tounges on that matter.
Mr 4X, I do hope that mental immage hasnt set your condition back. Just think puppy dogs instead. That red one was a shocker…and knitted in chunkey knit too…sheese, ahm havin a hot flash at the mere thought..but the white and green dress wis very ohhhregir…and I’d knit the hat if we could get the patten, looks like its knitted in Fullerton Hardware’s finest twine.
Roy fae the extreme sooth, welcome aboard, and I can assure you that a shrunken cosie would never do the job.
FC, you may inadvertantly solved the puzzel…knitted combinations could I would think solve the problem….just gie them a wee sign throu..as my Granny used to say..or was that a sapple???, whits a sapple anyway ffsake. And my gussets are always cotton and reinforced Fc, I was after all a Girl Guide!!! I have decided against the Lofty Peak on this occassion, I’ll take the ressure cooker instead
Oh how I tittered, that is exactly what I intend to do FC, get the outlaw sitting on the fence wi his geeeetar warblin away, and the Pixie Polis marchin up and down the beach playin her drum, followed by her mother on her tamborine….pics are a must for this one. Just as an aside..the outlaw said to pixie polisis maw when they got together that he couldnt beleive he had fallen in love with a girl who’s family were in love with the same spiritual home as his idol Macca …all together now..aww.
I’m delighted to hear the halter neck it back landlady…it goes so well with a nice Arran cardie dont ya think? I agree, whipp one oh yon stripey ones up and despatch it quick…before the summer disappears..oh, it already has.

Flying Cat 2 Said,

April 8th, 2009 @10:33 am  

I hope you have/can borrow a big ol’ English Sheepdug cried Martha, fae up oor close, alang oor street, for the occasion. And if you want to go the whole hog, paint the Pixie Polis’ nose black like the Album photo…
See that Big Yin? See that Macca? They’ve a lot to answer for…

Tws Said,

April 8th, 2009 @1:00 pm  

Holidays are for those that work-out what an effin’ holiday means. Blackpool, it’s no black, and there’s nae effin’ pool.
Just a thought, not a very good thought, but it is a thought.

Tws Said,

April 8th, 2009 @1:01 pm  


Hyper-borean Said,

April 8th, 2009 @3:51 pm  

Ah! but there was a pool and it was, if not black, rather dark and uninviting. Then some silly king decided that getting cold and wet in brine was beneficial to one’s health. The rest as they say is history.

mjc Said,

April 8th, 2009 @4:09 pm  

I think effin granny should toss the idea of any swimsuit overboard. If the Lord had wanted you to wear a knitted Speedo, you would have been born with one.

calumannabel Said,

April 8th, 2009 @6:40 pm  

Wool would be a big fashion faux pas (French for a cock up). Tricky blighter swimwear for the west coast currents. Would recommend weaving something from teased out brillo pads. This provides an element of armour should you sustain a winkle attack – it’s their breeding season. Dont forget to weave a pocket for a compass and a Swiss Army Knife – you never know when Mother might get locked in a loo and you need to force the lock. I have a vison of Arsula Undress emerging from the waters around the Inner Hebrides ‘ Granny you were always a Bond girl

Flying Cat 2 Said,

April 8th, 2009 @7:24 pm  

And bagpipes to boot

thelandlady Said,

April 8th, 2009 @9:18 pm  

Yes I agree with mjc. For once I understand what the blasted chap is on about.. and a bit of skinny dipping is delightful!
By the way Grannye, remember the Diorylite sachets in case of a dicky tummy- the traveller’s curse as soon as you venture out of glasgow..

mjc Said,

April 9th, 2009 @2:32 pm  

the landlady: did you mean “as soon as you venture INTO Glasgow”? # Glaswegian restaurants did not impress me one way or the other. The only disappointment I had was with an Indian restaurant, reputedly the pride of Glasgow and one of the best in the country: mediocre and overpriced was my humble opinion. I have had better vindaloo at a chain restaurant at Heathrow and Gatwick airports. And I know my curries.

grannye Said,

April 9th, 2009 @5:09 pm  

Looks like mother earth had one of those bad curries http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scGvM_VoPwk&feature=rec-HM-r2
more later, Im off to watch the pixie polis

mirlnlass Said,

April 9th, 2009 @8:54 pm  

I’ll be looking forward to reading your book when it comes out.

Flying Cat 2 Said,

April 10th, 2009 @4:44 pm  

Oh grannye, what a dreadful eruption. Even giant nappies and plastic pants wouldn’t contain that!

thelandlady Said,

April 10th, 2009 @9:03 pm  

i wonder if one of FC’s knitted boobs might be required Grannye…..oh, well two, I’m guessing…in order to give you the necessary Arsula Undress oomph?
you know, I’m not judging your assets or anything. twas just a thought…

Flying Cat 2 Said,

April 11th, 2009 @9:54 pm  

I only knitted one And cannie remember the receipt…


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